*Authors Note* This is Part 2, don’t read this if you haven’t read the comic before this one. This is probably my longest comic to date, sorry for the people with short attention spans.
Eric’s 1986 cherry red Honda Prelude pulled into the parking lot of the sprawling park that was across the street from a myriad of homes and small commercial businesses. Six men were already gathered into a small group a short distance away from the parking lot, standing around with bags thrown haphazardly onto the fine green grass. A splattering of wooden instruments littered the ground around the bags, short swords, long swords, a claymore, and something that looked like it was a Klingon weapon from Star Trek.
“They stay near the parking lot so that they can run to their cars faster when the real men show up, or an old lady walking her poodle scares them.” Goosh mocked as he undid his seatbelt.
Eric snorted. “So says the one pretending to be a Jedi to fight them?”
Goosh pulled on the inside handle of the door and shouldered it open, it swung fast and nearly dented the car next to him, all while shouting. “FORCE PUSH!”
At this time, the men turned toward the small Honda Prelude, Eric hanging his head low and shaking it in displeasure. “You don’t know what you are in for…” Eric trailed off, but it was useless, Goosh was already bounding toward the group.
With hood hanging over his face, shrouding it in a slight darkness, Goosh approached the group with his hands clasped together. He was practically giggling by the time he stood before the group, who now was looking seriously pissed off. “Greetings Yes, How Far you? Yes?” Goosh tried for a Yoda impersonation as an ice breaker.
Eric was not too far behind. “I tried to stop him guys, but he is hard to persuade when his simpleton mind is set on something, he wants to, er, workout.”
One fellow stepped forward, he was probably five foot 9 tops, grossly overweight, dark rimmed glasses with a thick lenses that made his eyes appear more bulgy than humanely possible, his cheeks were so red they looked like someone had spend the last year slapping his face. He was the most ordinately dressed out of everyone, a black long sleeve shirt with a red dragon emblem sewn into the front of it, and black sweatpants to match. He wore a thick belt that looked like it was some cheap corrugated metal bent over a normal leather belt. Already a wooden longs word was protruding from between the belt and himself, he wore no scabbard, but had a wooden shield slung across his back.
Nasaly, he spoke, “How dare you mock us! I’m going to kick your ass up and down this field; you’ll have to prove yourself worthy to learn how to fight light a warrior.”
Giggling, Goosh had to really try hard to keep his voice from breaking too much with his bad impersonation. “Evil, I sense, Yes. And Krispy Kremes. You are on the path to the fat side, yes.”
The group bristled at the remark, rallying behind their leader, they were a mix of body types some looked like they were actually in shape, some were obviously just looking for a weekend hobby to break the lull of a desk job, a few perhaps took this very seriously. Nobody wanted to see something they liked mocked though, and so swords were drawn, though they made no cool slinking sounds like the movies, wood doesn’t slink. Gosh however was grinning ear to ear as he pulled his LighSaber from where he was hiding it in his sleave, the plastic clicking out methodically as he flicked it. With the push of a button it hummed that familiar sound and Goosh swished his weapon in front of himself.
“You are no trouble for one so strong as me, mother fuckers!” Goosh taunted.
The leader stepped forward once more, his face was growing more red, he looked like a cherry more by the minute. “You’re a dumbass and a loser, I’ll kick your ass myself and when I’m done they will feed on your bitch ass corpse.”
“You will stop feeding on McDonalds and Hamburlgers.” Goosh waved a hand in front of the leaders face. “Force Persuasion…” Goosh softly added under a grinning mouth.
“MOTHERFUCKER!” The leader shouted as he reached down and tried to pull his sword from where it was tucked away between his poorly made belt. His large body nearly toppled over as the wooden sword caught on the metal of the belt, and refused to move for a second. It gave Goosh the timing that he needed.
Swinging his plastic Light saber, Goosh struck the leader right in the face, as the leader squirreled up his face in revulsion of pain Goosh took a free hand and stepped closer to the kid.
“Force SACK TAP!” Goosh laughed as he used his right hand and flicked it into the leaders genitals, sending the kid gasping and collapsing to the ground. Though, by the time this happened, the rest of the group was in a full push to beat the living shit out of Goosh. “Force…RUN THE FUCK AWAY!” Was all Goosh could get out as he turned and sped away as fast as his legs could carry him. Quickly he removed the rope on his sheet and was able to get it off of himself in a flourish, raising his hands into the air, it made the sound of a flicking cloth and caught the wind. The sheet wrapped itself around the feet of one of his pursuers and send the poor fellow smashing into the ground.
Meanwhile, Eric stood in the same position he had been in since the whole conversation between the two began. Only he rotated slightly to his left to watch the pursuit take place.
Having no method of transportation to get out of the park, Goosh resorted to running into erratic lines and mocking the people who were chasing him. Eventually he decided that getting the high ground was needed, and jumped up into a tree and climbed a good enough distance to remain out of their grasp, but could hit them with his Light saber if they tried to climb after him. By the time Goosh managed to get into the Tree, Eric was walking back toward his car and when he was about to get in, his cell phone rang, he smiled as he looked at the name that was calling him.
“That was Epic in so many ways.” Was all Eric could say.
Goosh laughed from the receiver of Eric’s cell phone, his voice slightly crackling from the reception. “Took that bitch DOWN! I’m going to be in this tree for a while, think you can drive your car over here and Mad Max them or something? You run them down, I jump on the top and we drive off.”
“If your predicament changes, I may come pick you up from the park.” Eric replied as he opened the car door and tossed his gym bag inside onto the front passenger seat.
Goosh laughed. “Most of their moms are probably going to get them in an hour or so anyways, when the herd thins I’ll book it across the street to that bar and have a few celebratory beers and snag some hotties while these guys get on their Xbox Live accounts and call people gay all the time on their headsets.”
“Good luck with that.” Eric replied as he sat himself into the drivers’ side seat, he started to take the phone away from his ear but before he snapped the phone shut to turn it off he heard one final remark.
“You will lose your virginity if you become my apprentice….force persuasion.” Said the softly fading Goosh as Eric snapped his phone shut with a chuckle. He made sure to honk his horn twice as he drove around the block past the tree with five men standing below it shouting at a Light saber that was poking out from the branches.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sword fighting was cool in the Dark Ages.
Stay tuned for PART 2 of this comic.
Eric is about the leave his house, looking over his shoulder to make sure that he had gathered everything that he needed. Eric nearly falls through the door as he was reaching for the door knob the door suddenly swung open outward. Goosh, who had opened the door in that split second was barreling his way into the house, and at the last second had a look on his face as if he had eaten something extremely sour in confusion and crashed into Eric, both went tumbling into the ground.
“The Hell?” Goosh said as he started to pick himself off the ground.
Eric sighed as he moved into a sitting position. “Well, Rocket Man, you opened the door right before I did and since you always seem to be in perpetual motion didn’t realize I was STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!”
The flash of confusion quickly left the face of Goosh, as he curiously picked up an odd looking shirt that had fallen out of Eric’s duffle bag. The shirt was black, with an Eagle emblem sewn into the front with a shield and crossed swords behind it.
“Are you going to a costume party and not telling me? You were going to hold out on a party where girls dress like slutty EVERYTHING in costume? Goosh asked.
Eric gritted his teeth as he snatched the shirt out of grasp of Goosh. “It’s a medieval knights training shirt replica, I’m….going to work out.”
“You. Are, working out..In a douchnossle shirt? You sit on a throne of lies, I’ve never seen you work out in the million years we’ve been friends.” Goosh mocked, his eyes going alight as he spotted what looked like a sword handle poking out of the duffle bag. Eric tried to pull it away at the moment he noticed what Goosh was looking at, but was too slow. Goosh removed what looked like a short sword, but was made out of wood.
“You’re joining that Sword Fighting Club! You’re going to be one of the guys in the park poking each other in the asses with your wooden swords! How cute, do the other guys cry to their mommy if they get a boo boo?” Goosh mocked right into the face of Eric.
“First off, the swords are still enough to hurt, and it IS a good workout, the costume isn’t required, but I…wanted to get into it a little bit.” Eric replied, with part shame, and part humiliation on his face.
“WAIT!” Goosh shouted as he came to a realization, then turned and bolted up the stairs, taking them nearly two or three steps at a time.
Eric sighed as he gathered up his duffel bag once again, neatly folded up his ‘workout shirt’ and zipped the bag shut this time, not wanting a repeat of losing its contents. Eric put on his shoes, which were your standard sneakers, and was just about finished tieing up the second shoe when he heard the loud thumping of feet flying down the stairs.
Goosh leaped off the second to last step and landed right in front of Eric, Goosh was wearing his white bed sheet over his head and whole body, it was tied at the waist by a length of rope that made Eric not want to ask why Goosh had rope in his room. Only the face of Goosh was visible with the exception of his hands. “I’m coming with you!” Was all Goosh could say through panting, he had hustled to get the ensemble together.
“Didn’t you just insinuate that this was a wussy thing to do?” Eric asked, he could tell Goosh was up to something, and Eric had it on the cusps of his brain of figuring it out before Goosh went with a full reveal.
Goosh reached under his robe and pulled out the handle for a toy Light Saber, with a flick of his hand, the plastic pieces clicked out and the long green plastic sword grew alight as Goosh pressed the button that turned the light on. “Vrrrorrooom! Vrrooooom! I’m going to beat your guys bitch ass’s all over the place!”
Eric opened his mouth to retort, but snapped it shut, he was flabbergasted, for the first time in a long he was at a lost for words. With a simple nod of his head, he motioned Goosh to exit through the door. Which Goosh did, as he ran out the door and leaped off the front steps into the front yard shouting. “Force Jump!”
“This is going to be interesting…” Was all Eric could murmur as he followed behind at a steady pace, deciding not to leap off the steps as his compatriot did.
Eric is about the leave his house, looking over his shoulder to make sure that he had gathered everything that he needed. Eric nearly falls through the door as he was reaching for the door knob the door suddenly swung open outward. Goosh, who had opened the door in that split second was barreling his way into the house, and at the last second had a look on his face as if he had eaten something extremely sour in confusion and crashed into Eric, both went tumbling into the ground.
“The Hell?” Goosh said as he started to pick himself off the ground.
Eric sighed as he moved into a sitting position. “Well, Rocket Man, you opened the door right before I did and since you always seem to be in perpetual motion didn’t realize I was STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!”
The flash of confusion quickly left the face of Goosh, as he curiously picked up an odd looking shirt that had fallen out of Eric’s duffle bag. The shirt was black, with an Eagle emblem sewn into the front with a shield and crossed swords behind it.
“Are you going to a costume party and not telling me? You were going to hold out on a party where girls dress like slutty EVERYTHING in costume? Goosh asked.
Eric gritted his teeth as he snatched the shirt out of grasp of Goosh. “It’s a medieval knights training shirt replica, I’m….going to work out.”
“You. Are, working out..In a douchnossle shirt? You sit on a throne of lies, I’ve never seen you work out in the million years we’ve been friends.” Goosh mocked, his eyes going alight as he spotted what looked like a sword handle poking out of the duffle bag. Eric tried to pull it away at the moment he noticed what Goosh was looking at, but was too slow. Goosh removed what looked like a short sword, but was made out of wood.
“You’re joining that Sword Fighting Club! You’re going to be one of the guys in the park poking each other in the asses with your wooden swords! How cute, do the other guys cry to their mommy if they get a boo boo?” Goosh mocked right into the face of Eric.
“First off, the swords are still enough to hurt, and it IS a good workout, the costume isn’t required, but I…wanted to get into it a little bit.” Eric replied, with part shame, and part humiliation on his face.
“WAIT!” Goosh shouted as he came to a realization, then turned and bolted up the stairs, taking them nearly two or three steps at a time.
Eric sighed as he gathered up his duffel bag once again, neatly folded up his ‘workout shirt’ and zipped the bag shut this time, not wanting a repeat of losing its contents. Eric put on his shoes, which were your standard sneakers, and was just about finished tieing up the second shoe when he heard the loud thumping of feet flying down the stairs.
Goosh leaped off the second to last step and landed right in front of Eric, Goosh was wearing his white bed sheet over his head and whole body, it was tied at the waist by a length of rope that made Eric not want to ask why Goosh had rope in his room. Only the face of Goosh was visible with the exception of his hands. “I’m coming with you!” Was all Goosh could say through panting, he had hustled to get the ensemble together.
“Didn’t you just insinuate that this was a wussy thing to do?” Eric asked, he could tell Goosh was up to something, and Eric had it on the cusps of his brain of figuring it out before Goosh went with a full reveal.
Goosh reached under his robe and pulled out the handle for a toy Light Saber, with a flick of his hand, the plastic pieces clicked out and the long green plastic sword grew alight as Goosh pressed the button that turned the light on. “Vrrrorrooom! Vrrooooom! I’m going to beat your guys bitch ass’s all over the place!”
Eric opened his mouth to retort, but snapped it shut, he was flabbergasted, for the first time in a long he was at a lost for words. With a simple nod of his head, he motioned Goosh to exit through the door. Which Goosh did, as he ran out the door and leaped off the front steps into the front yard shouting. “Force Jump!”
“This is going to be interesting…” Was all Eric could murmur as he followed behind at a steady pace, deciding not to leap off the steps as his compatriot did.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Neglect
The name of the title is pretty much a reflection on what I've done to this blog, I intend to rectify that.
Goosh frowned as he walked into his living room, the big potted plant he had bought nearly eight months ago was drooping over, the big fan leaves withered and resting limply on the soft brown stalk that seemed to be trying to dive out of the pot and into a death spasm on the floor.
“Georgio! Your DIEING!” Goosh screamed as he was on his knees, arms spread open, his palms up he tilted his head back and slowly opened his mouth. “WRRRRRYYY!” He shouted.
“Because you refused to water the damn thing, Mr. Blackthumb.” Eric said from his position on the couch, he never took his gaze off the TV screen as he was playing video games.
Goosh brought his face back and looked at Eric, remaining on his knees, arms and hands still held out. “Mr. Blackthumb?”
“If you’re good with plants, and keep them alive, healthy, they call that having a green thumb. You imperiously kill every living plant you ever buy, you are Death to plants. Next time you’re at the garden center, wear a hood and carry a scythe, the plants will die on purpose so that they don’t have to live through months of torture from you. So, you, Death, who’s color is black, are Mr. Blackthumb.” Eric replied as he was shooting aliens with fantastical guns, his gaze never flickered away from the TV screen.
‘I can’t be Mr. Blackthumb! I don’t do it on purpose, I water them! Georgio was huge! More importantly, he went great with Hawaiian themed parties which means girls in bikinis. I’m nothing without Georgio! I don’t get tuition money until next semester, I can’t afford another big ass Hawaiian looking plant!” Goosh replied as he rose from his knees and walked over to his plant, poking at the withered leaves. “Can I like, put in some compost and revive it?”
“No, it is dead. Also, you never watered it, that type of plant requires almost daily watering as according to its species type, which is sub tropical, we live in an arid desert environment if you didn’t know that. You watered that thing like once a week, and pouring the last drink of beer foam in your cup doesn’t count as watering.” Eric said, motionless, his eyes moving constantly, but only in small flicks, his attention was held as he stabbed an alien with his glowing sword, blood splattering across the gameworld.
Goosh plucked off a leaf, and crumpled it in his hand before replying. “Georgio was a party animal! He liked beer, sometimes, he swayed when I gave him beer, for realsies!”
Eric continued his slaughter on his game, his mouth barely opening to speak. “First, naming a plant is dumb. Second, it only swayed because you and your friends would knock it over because you were too drunk, and only pick it up in the morning as it was going through its death thralls from your wrath. Third, you don’t know how to care for your things, you neglect the hell out of your possessions. Your car can’t hold a passenger because its full of trash, and you forget to change the oil at the proper three thousand mile requirements I bet you’ve never checked the air in your tires or had your transmission flushed too, and like this plant here, you fail to take proper note of how to water it requires and therefore it dies.”
Eric’s in game persona switched to a pistol, and Eric aimed it at an alien that was trying to take flight, once his sights were set he spoke again.
“Just.” *Pop* Eric fired a round of the pistol.
“Like.” *Pop* A second round.
“Everything.” *Pop* A third round fired and the alien falls to the round, Eric rounds on it, it looks up at Eric’s character and speaks an alien language, its eyes pleading for mercy. Eric turns his head to Goosh, his face expressionless.
“Else.” With his head still staring at Goosh the sound of the pistol firing reverberates through the room mixed with the death high pitched screech of an alien with surround sound speakers and subwoofer turned up to near max volume.
Gooshs’ mouth was hanging open in amazement, it took him a second to gather his words and thoughts. “That was awesome, you totally planned that didn’t you?”
“Forever ago, how was my execution of it?” Eric smiled as he returned to his work of killing everything that came onto his screen.
“Masterful.” Goosh said as he was clapping. When he was done, Goosh looked down at his plant, his Georgio, and picked up the pot, dragging it out the back door and to the corner of the yard where a long fence sectioned their yard off from a pasture that was behind them.
“Later Georgio, thanks for helping me get laid.” Goosh said to the plant as he tore it from the pot and tossed it over the fence, it landed on the other side left to a fate unknown to Goosh, since he couldn’t see past the wood panels of the fence. Goosh took the pot over to a water spigot and washed it out before putting the pot next to the back door, it would probably serve as a place to throw cigarette butts until a new plant could be bought.
“Thanks, Death for releasing me from my prison, now, now I can die a quick death and see my mama and papa, and perhaps the bee that carried my fathers spores to my mother for fertilization, all of them in plant heaven.” Georgio replied…in plant speak.
Goosh frowned as he walked into his living room, the big potted plant he had bought nearly eight months ago was drooping over, the big fan leaves withered and resting limply on the soft brown stalk that seemed to be trying to dive out of the pot and into a death spasm on the floor.
“Georgio! Your DIEING!” Goosh screamed as he was on his knees, arms spread open, his palms up he tilted his head back and slowly opened his mouth. “WRRRRRYYY!” He shouted.
“Because you refused to water the damn thing, Mr. Blackthumb.” Eric said from his position on the couch, he never took his gaze off the TV screen as he was playing video games.
Goosh brought his face back and looked at Eric, remaining on his knees, arms and hands still held out. “Mr. Blackthumb?”
“If you’re good with plants, and keep them alive, healthy, they call that having a green thumb. You imperiously kill every living plant you ever buy, you are Death to plants. Next time you’re at the garden center, wear a hood and carry a scythe, the plants will die on purpose so that they don’t have to live through months of torture from you. So, you, Death, who’s color is black, are Mr. Blackthumb.” Eric replied as he was shooting aliens with fantastical guns, his gaze never flickered away from the TV screen.
‘I can’t be Mr. Blackthumb! I don’t do it on purpose, I water them! Georgio was huge! More importantly, he went great with Hawaiian themed parties which means girls in bikinis. I’m nothing without Georgio! I don’t get tuition money until next semester, I can’t afford another big ass Hawaiian looking plant!” Goosh replied as he rose from his knees and walked over to his plant, poking at the withered leaves. “Can I like, put in some compost and revive it?”
“No, it is dead. Also, you never watered it, that type of plant requires almost daily watering as according to its species type, which is sub tropical, we live in an arid desert environment if you didn’t know that. You watered that thing like once a week, and pouring the last drink of beer foam in your cup doesn’t count as watering.” Eric said, motionless, his eyes moving constantly, but only in small flicks, his attention was held as he stabbed an alien with his glowing sword, blood splattering across the gameworld.
Goosh plucked off a leaf, and crumpled it in his hand before replying. “Georgio was a party animal! He liked beer, sometimes, he swayed when I gave him beer, for realsies!”
Eric continued his slaughter on his game, his mouth barely opening to speak. “First, naming a plant is dumb. Second, it only swayed because you and your friends would knock it over because you were too drunk, and only pick it up in the morning as it was going through its death thralls from your wrath. Third, you don’t know how to care for your things, you neglect the hell out of your possessions. Your car can’t hold a passenger because its full of trash, and you forget to change the oil at the proper three thousand mile requirements I bet you’ve never checked the air in your tires or had your transmission flushed too, and like this plant here, you fail to take proper note of how to water it requires and therefore it dies.”
Eric’s in game persona switched to a pistol, and Eric aimed it at an alien that was trying to take flight, once his sights were set he spoke again.
“Just.” *Pop* Eric fired a round of the pistol.
“Like.” *Pop* A second round.
“Everything.” *Pop* A third round fired and the alien falls to the round, Eric rounds on it, it looks up at Eric’s character and speaks an alien language, its eyes pleading for mercy. Eric turns his head to Goosh, his face expressionless.
“Else.” With his head still staring at Goosh the sound of the pistol firing reverberates through the room mixed with the death high pitched screech of an alien with surround sound speakers and subwoofer turned up to near max volume.
Gooshs’ mouth was hanging open in amazement, it took him a second to gather his words and thoughts. “That was awesome, you totally planned that didn’t you?”
“Forever ago, how was my execution of it?” Eric smiled as he returned to his work of killing everything that came onto his screen.
“Masterful.” Goosh said as he was clapping. When he was done, Goosh looked down at his plant, his Georgio, and picked up the pot, dragging it out the back door and to the corner of the yard where a long fence sectioned their yard off from a pasture that was behind them.
“Later Georgio, thanks for helping me get laid.” Goosh said to the plant as he tore it from the pot and tossed it over the fence, it landed on the other side left to a fate unknown to Goosh, since he couldn’t see past the wood panels of the fence. Goosh took the pot over to a water spigot and washed it out before putting the pot next to the back door, it would probably serve as a place to throw cigarette butts until a new plant could be bought.
“Thanks, Death for releasing me from my prison, now, now I can die a quick death and see my mama and papa, and perhaps the bee that carried my fathers spores to my mother for fertilization, all of them in plant heaven.” Georgio replied…in plant speak.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Media Whoring It
Eric sits at his chair and nods confidently at his computer screen, he rolls his mouse in his right hand and finds the Post button, and clicks on it.
“Ah, another blog post down for the world to relish in.” Eric sighs as he takes a drink from his Coke.
Eric raises an eyebrow as he hears a honking in the driveway and walks over to the window. Standing next to a brand new Mercedes, Goosh is wearing a Monster energy drink hat and shirt, some designer pants, and shoes that look like they were made from alligator skin. On top of that, he was wearing a brand new Rolex watch, a diamond and platinum chain necklace, and several rings on his fingers. Behind him in a truck and trailor that is overloaded with boxes upon boxes of merchandise.
Eric opens up his window, it makes a slight ‘shurpunk’ sound as it fully opens, Eric pokes out his head. “Did you rob a bank or something?”
Goosh smiles, his teeth have those grill things so fond in hip hop culture. “I started blogging dog!”
“I’ve been blogging for three years and I’ve never made a dime, I still think you robbed a bank.” Eric shouted out the window still
“I don’t know what happened, I started talking nice about this one product and then I get an email that these other people will send me free stuff if I talk nice about it too! And then all of a sudden, everyone loves me cause I make their stuff look good!” Goosh tells Eric.
“Didn’t your blog just start out about pictures of celebrity girls cleavage, and how you wanted to put your head into them?” Eric asked.
Goosh chuckled. “That’s ALL it is! Well, and product reviews! I’m getting hits on the site like MAD!”
Eric shook his head. “I get solicited sometimes, but you have to say no, draw the line somewhere and have your dignity intact.”
Goosh raised a finger at Eric, “Hold on, my new iphone is ringing.” Goosh takes the iphone out of his pocket and talks at a level Eric can’t hear. He snaps the phone shut after a few seconds, then does a fist pump.
“Who the hell was that?” Eric questioned.
Goosh then started hip thrusting at Eric, “Just got tickets to MEHICO! HRMP!” Goosh added an extra hip thrust at the end.
Eric frowned “What the hell for?”
Goosh shrugged his shoulders. “Some travel company wants to hook me up cause I’m so cool, and if I bring enough good traffic their way, I’ll get to go to Amsterdam!”
“You know that what your doing is practically illegal and false advertising, all you’re doing is giving your readers an extremely bias viewpoint that doesn’t take into account any of the bad things your products are. You’re becoming a whore.” Eric explained.
“But whores get laid, and free shit!” Goosh spread his arms out as if to show his prizes.
“At what cost?” Eric asked.
“What, am I going to get internet herpes? Oh, I’m so scared.” Goosh fake shivered, and then laughed as he climbed back into his car and reversed out of the driveway, then sped off down the street.
Eric blew out a stead stream of air, his cheeks puffing out and then falling back to normal. He walked back to his chair, spun it around and then sat in it and looked at his web blog. He had a few thousand hits that day already, there was no advertising at all to be seen. If he had done any reviews of products, they were critical, precise, and even if he liked the product, he dissected it enough that you could find little faults in it. Wearily, he scratched the back of his neck and looked around his empty room. Opening up MS Word, he type out a header for a new article. Then sat and stared at the words for a few minutes.
“Best TV, of the year? Sorry, NO! It’s the best TV of the WORLD, EVER!” Read the headline, Eric scrolled and selected the whole thing and his finger hovered over the delete button. His forehead sweaty with unease, as elusive dreams snaked into his consciousness, as he easily beheaded one, another sprang up. Biting his lip, Eric made his decision, closed his eyes, and did what he knew he had to do.
He just wondered if he was going to regret it or not.
“Ah, another blog post down for the world to relish in.” Eric sighs as he takes a drink from his Coke.
Eric raises an eyebrow as he hears a honking in the driveway and walks over to the window. Standing next to a brand new Mercedes, Goosh is wearing a Monster energy drink hat and shirt, some designer pants, and shoes that look like they were made from alligator skin. On top of that, he was wearing a brand new Rolex watch, a diamond and platinum chain necklace, and several rings on his fingers. Behind him in a truck and trailor that is overloaded with boxes upon boxes of merchandise.
Eric opens up his window, it makes a slight ‘shurpunk’ sound as it fully opens, Eric pokes out his head. “Did you rob a bank or something?”
Goosh smiles, his teeth have those grill things so fond in hip hop culture. “I started blogging dog!”
“I’ve been blogging for three years and I’ve never made a dime, I still think you robbed a bank.” Eric shouted out the window still
“I don’t know what happened, I started talking nice about this one product and then I get an email that these other people will send me free stuff if I talk nice about it too! And then all of a sudden, everyone loves me cause I make their stuff look good!” Goosh tells Eric.
“Didn’t your blog just start out about pictures of celebrity girls cleavage, and how you wanted to put your head into them?” Eric asked.
Goosh chuckled. “That’s ALL it is! Well, and product reviews! I’m getting hits on the site like MAD!”
Eric shook his head. “I get solicited sometimes, but you have to say no, draw the line somewhere and have your dignity intact.”
Goosh raised a finger at Eric, “Hold on, my new iphone is ringing.” Goosh takes the iphone out of his pocket and talks at a level Eric can’t hear. He snaps the phone shut after a few seconds, then does a fist pump.
“Who the hell was that?” Eric questioned.
Goosh then started hip thrusting at Eric, “Just got tickets to MEHICO! HRMP!” Goosh added an extra hip thrust at the end.
Eric frowned “What the hell for?”
Goosh shrugged his shoulders. “Some travel company wants to hook me up cause I’m so cool, and if I bring enough good traffic their way, I’ll get to go to Amsterdam!”
“You know that what your doing is practically illegal and false advertising, all you’re doing is giving your readers an extremely bias viewpoint that doesn’t take into account any of the bad things your products are. You’re becoming a whore.” Eric explained.
“But whores get laid, and free shit!” Goosh spread his arms out as if to show his prizes.
“At what cost?” Eric asked.
“What, am I going to get internet herpes? Oh, I’m so scared.” Goosh fake shivered, and then laughed as he climbed back into his car and reversed out of the driveway, then sped off down the street.
Eric blew out a stead stream of air, his cheeks puffing out and then falling back to normal. He walked back to his chair, spun it around and then sat in it and looked at his web blog. He had a few thousand hits that day already, there was no advertising at all to be seen. If he had done any reviews of products, they were critical, precise, and even if he liked the product, he dissected it enough that you could find little faults in it. Wearily, he scratched the back of his neck and looked around his empty room. Opening up MS Word, he type out a header for a new article. Then sat and stared at the words for a few minutes.
“Best TV, of the year? Sorry, NO! It’s the best TV of the WORLD, EVER!” Read the headline, Eric scrolled and selected the whole thing and his finger hovered over the delete button. His forehead sweaty with unease, as elusive dreams snaked into his consciousness, as he easily beheaded one, another sprang up. Biting his lip, Eric made his decision, closed his eyes, and did what he knew he had to do.
He just wondered if he was going to regret it or not.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
It’s all the roid these days
(Sadly, this is almost a word for word conversation I once participated in as an observer, with some obvious slight exaggeration.)
Eric is sitting on his couch, playing on his xbox in silent contemplation, internally, his brain is turning gears in overtime, he’s calculating every foes move and racking up the kills. He only hears the pre-puberty screams of young male tweens as their avatars are demolished, either sniped with a scope, or stabbed by the blade. Eric relishes in those screams and asks them to have their mommies bring them some milk to nurse from the breasts, as these children are no match for a man. A real man, who sits on his couch late at night until the wee hours of the morning playing video games and then masturbates to porn before going to his cold, empty bed, that sort of man.
His midnight path of destruction is distracted by Goosh, who comes walking into the room, wearing a cut off t-shirt. Eric hadn’t seen him for more than a month, and when his eyes lift from the TV set to flicker at Goosh, he is appalled. Goosh had probably put on some seventy five pounds of muscle on his already bulky frame, he looked like a grotesque abomination of over saturated muscle that bulged and stiffened at every movement.
“Like it huh? I’m friggin RIPPED! YARAHH!” Goosh flexes. “OVER HEAD BICEP!” He curls his hands over his head and reveals biceps nearly as big as his head. “Back pose thing!” He contines, and rips off his shirt, revealing a deeply muscular shoulder and back. “Don’t make make me show you this ASS that I have now, you can pounce a quarter, no, BRICK of this shit!” Goosh tries his best to make his butt jiggle.
Eric can only shake his head slowly. “What….what the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been in the gym the last month? How have you been alive?”
“Dude, I ate rats at the gym, gym rats! HA! I’m funny, and this dude, like totally gave me some awesome stuff, and I kicked. That. Gyms. ASS!” Goosh busts a table with his fists. “I’m like the Hulk! I get angry and like, kick butt! This stuff is awesome!”
“You’re taking steroids?” Eric asks.
“Is that what it is? I thought it was Hulk pills, but it doesn’t matter, I’m ripped! And I get angry and beat stuff up!” Goosh says through a deep smile.
“And your penis is going to shrink until it becomes inverted, like a vagina.” Eric added.
“But, I’ll kick everyones ass if they talk smack! I’m ripped!” Goosh countered.
“Your penis, and your balls, will become ramen noodle and raisins.” Eric pushed.
“Hulk Pills! SMASH!” Goosh continued tearing apart the table in a small flare up in rage.
“Penis turned to Vagina.” Eric tried to remind him.
“I’m a sculpted god! My arms are bigger than your torso! My legs are bigger than your moms big wide butt! No offense dude.” Goosh said.
Eric shook his head. “None taken, though, your penis is going to make my dead grandpas look like male porn stars soon.”
“Are you being serious?” Goosh asked.
“Fully, and girls will laugh at it, unlike before, where they merely accepted it for what it was.” Eric deadpanned at Goosh.
“Can I reverse it?” Goosh trembled.
Eric shook his head. “No. You’ve done the damage already, sorry, you’re about to become childless and noodle less.”
“DRUGS ARE BAD!” Goosh cried
Eric turns to you and points, “And that boys, is why you should never do steroids, your penis will shrink. That is all you need to know.”
“And knowing is half the battle!” Goosh smiled as he stuck up a thumb.
“Fuck the new GI Joe movie coming out also.” Eric had to add.
Eric is sitting on his couch, playing on his xbox in silent contemplation, internally, his brain is turning gears in overtime, he’s calculating every foes move and racking up the kills. He only hears the pre-puberty screams of young male tweens as their avatars are demolished, either sniped with a scope, or stabbed by the blade. Eric relishes in those screams and asks them to have their mommies bring them some milk to nurse from the breasts, as these children are no match for a man. A real man, who sits on his couch late at night until the wee hours of the morning playing video games and then masturbates to porn before going to his cold, empty bed, that sort of man.
His midnight path of destruction is distracted by Goosh, who comes walking into the room, wearing a cut off t-shirt. Eric hadn’t seen him for more than a month, and when his eyes lift from the TV set to flicker at Goosh, he is appalled. Goosh had probably put on some seventy five pounds of muscle on his already bulky frame, he looked like a grotesque abomination of over saturated muscle that bulged and stiffened at every movement.
“Like it huh? I’m friggin RIPPED! YARAHH!” Goosh flexes. “OVER HEAD BICEP!” He curls his hands over his head and reveals biceps nearly as big as his head. “Back pose thing!” He contines, and rips off his shirt, revealing a deeply muscular shoulder and back. “Don’t make make me show you this ASS that I have now, you can pounce a quarter, no, BRICK of this shit!” Goosh tries his best to make his butt jiggle.
Eric can only shake his head slowly. “What….what the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been in the gym the last month? How have you been alive?”
“Dude, I ate rats at the gym, gym rats! HA! I’m funny, and this dude, like totally gave me some awesome stuff, and I kicked. That. Gyms. ASS!” Goosh busts a table with his fists. “I’m like the Hulk! I get angry and like, kick butt! This stuff is awesome!”
“You’re taking steroids?” Eric asks.
“Is that what it is? I thought it was Hulk pills, but it doesn’t matter, I’m ripped! And I get angry and beat stuff up!” Goosh says through a deep smile.
“And your penis is going to shrink until it becomes inverted, like a vagina.” Eric added.
“But, I’ll kick everyones ass if they talk smack! I’m ripped!” Goosh countered.
“Your penis, and your balls, will become ramen noodle and raisins.” Eric pushed.
“Hulk Pills! SMASH!” Goosh continued tearing apart the table in a small flare up in rage.
“Penis turned to Vagina.” Eric tried to remind him.
“I’m a sculpted god! My arms are bigger than your torso! My legs are bigger than your moms big wide butt! No offense dude.” Goosh said.
Eric shook his head. “None taken, though, your penis is going to make my dead grandpas look like male porn stars soon.”
“Are you being serious?” Goosh asked.
“Fully, and girls will laugh at it, unlike before, where they merely accepted it for what it was.” Eric deadpanned at Goosh.
“Can I reverse it?” Goosh trembled.
Eric shook his head. “No. You’ve done the damage already, sorry, you’re about to become childless and noodle less.”
“DRUGS ARE BAD!” Goosh cried
Eric turns to you and points, “And that boys, is why you should never do steroids, your penis will shrink. That is all you need to know.”
“And knowing is half the battle!” Goosh smiled as he stuck up a thumb.
“Fuck the new GI Joe movie coming out also.” Eric had to add.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
For SCIENCE! And the good fight.
Eric and Goosh are wearing white lab coats, they are both also wearing glasses that are pulled slighty down toward the end of their noses. They are looking over graphs and chars that are on clipboards, mumbling to each other. The whole scene is a very 1950’s laboratory setup, with beakers and flames licking over them, liquids bubbling for no good reason. Everything is in black and white, as if on an old movie reel, there are slight blips during the opening scene, but the tape seems to have adjusted fine.
Eric looks at you directly. “Oh! Hi there, welcome to the Eric and Goosh research facility!”
“We’re performing SCIENCE! So that the world may be a better place.” Goosh says to you also, as he slowly turns his head away from his clipboard.
“Why did you shout the word science?” Eric asked, irritated.
“You always have to say it like SCIENCE! When its something important, its SCIENCE! Duh.” Goosh said straightforwardly to Eric.
Eric turns back to you, “Sorry. To carry on, we are here to demonstrate to you what we have found in our research so that we can get more government grants and private funding. Our research is called….”
Words slowly crawl up the screen, they are first far away, and slowly become bigger until they are easily readable. ‘The Jiggle Factor”
Eric returns to the screen, and looks at you again. “What we are doing here is calculating the jiggle and bounce ratio that would render terrorist and/or any foreign enemy that may take up arms against the United States.”
“We are finding out how boobs can make dudes stop fighting is what he’s trying to get at. SCIENCE! And saving the country.”
Eric rolls his hand through his hair as he chuckles slightly, “Ah, heh ah, yeah, I guess that’s it in a nutshell…roll the footage, earlier than expected.” Eric raises his clipboard and is about to strike Goosh when footage starts to roll for you to see instead.
It shows terrorist in Afghanistan fighting American and NATO forces, the battle is intense, until a woman runs out into the battlefield, with serious cleavage, she jumps up and down and precise intervals and movements. The terrorist throw down their guns and raise up their hands in surrender. “What have we been doing! I love America! Yay!” The terrorist start to shout. Just then, the footage stops, you see Eric and Goosh engaging in a clipboard battle. When they realize you are watching them again, they immediately stop.
“We take SCIENCE! And this research seriously!” Goosh says to you, with a straight face.”
“Yes!” Eric smiles, as he leads the camera through the laboratory, scientist, men and women both, are standing before various sets of fake and real breasts, some on real people, some on mannequins. All the scientists have very serious looks on their faces as they take notes after making measurements while the subjects are jumping and dancing in certain ways. “All our scientists are highly skilled, and highly accredited, one even has a Masters Degree!”
Eric pulls a woman aside by the shoulder, she has shoulder length brown hair, and a white lab coat on over a skirt and high heels. She turns and smiles at the camera slyly. “I love my job!”
“Girls that love this job, its SCIENCE!” Goosh exclaimed, one finger in the air as he twirled a pen.
“But, we can’t help save the world without your contribution, please, will you help keep these fine men and women employed? You don’t want the terrorist to win do you? DO YOU?” Eric says into the camera the look of deep seriousness on his face. “For every Jiggle Factor that we calculate, that’s hundreds of less terrorist fighting, and every dollar counts!”
“Nobody has filed sexual harassment suits against us…yet!” Goosh added. “It’s for SCIENCE! And to fight Terrorism! There is nothing wrong with that!”
Eric looks back at you, the camera. “He’s right, Donate now, and we’ll give you a free on site tour! You’ll be helping save the WORLD!.....And, sorry no, we’re not taking applications for employment, we already have a few hundred thousand applicants to sort through.. Thanks for watching, and don’t miss out on this opportunity to help further science.”
“SCIENCE!” Goosh shouted as he nudged Eric.
Eric sighs, before giving in, he puts on a huge fake smile and gives a thumbs up. “For SCIENCE!” he seconds with Goosh.
Eric looks at you directly. “Oh! Hi there, welcome to the Eric and Goosh research facility!”
“We’re performing SCIENCE! So that the world may be a better place.” Goosh says to you also, as he slowly turns his head away from his clipboard.
“Why did you shout the word science?” Eric asked, irritated.
“You always have to say it like SCIENCE! When its something important, its SCIENCE! Duh.” Goosh said straightforwardly to Eric.
Eric turns back to you, “Sorry. To carry on, we are here to demonstrate to you what we have found in our research so that we can get more government grants and private funding. Our research is called….”
Words slowly crawl up the screen, they are first far away, and slowly become bigger until they are easily readable. ‘The Jiggle Factor”
Eric returns to the screen, and looks at you again. “What we are doing here is calculating the jiggle and bounce ratio that would render terrorist and/or any foreign enemy that may take up arms against the United States.”
“We are finding out how boobs can make dudes stop fighting is what he’s trying to get at. SCIENCE! And saving the country.”
Eric rolls his hand through his hair as he chuckles slightly, “Ah, heh ah, yeah, I guess that’s it in a nutshell…roll the footage, earlier than expected.” Eric raises his clipboard and is about to strike Goosh when footage starts to roll for you to see instead.
It shows terrorist in Afghanistan fighting American and NATO forces, the battle is intense, until a woman runs out into the battlefield, with serious cleavage, she jumps up and down and precise intervals and movements. The terrorist throw down their guns and raise up their hands in surrender. “What have we been doing! I love America! Yay!” The terrorist start to shout. Just then, the footage stops, you see Eric and Goosh engaging in a clipboard battle. When they realize you are watching them again, they immediately stop.
“We take SCIENCE! And this research seriously!” Goosh says to you, with a straight face.”
“Yes!” Eric smiles, as he leads the camera through the laboratory, scientist, men and women both, are standing before various sets of fake and real breasts, some on real people, some on mannequins. All the scientists have very serious looks on their faces as they take notes after making measurements while the subjects are jumping and dancing in certain ways. “All our scientists are highly skilled, and highly accredited, one even has a Masters Degree!”
Eric pulls a woman aside by the shoulder, she has shoulder length brown hair, and a white lab coat on over a skirt and high heels. She turns and smiles at the camera slyly. “I love my job!”
“Girls that love this job, its SCIENCE!” Goosh exclaimed, one finger in the air as he twirled a pen.
“But, we can’t help save the world without your contribution, please, will you help keep these fine men and women employed? You don’t want the terrorist to win do you? DO YOU?” Eric says into the camera the look of deep seriousness on his face. “For every Jiggle Factor that we calculate, that’s hundreds of less terrorist fighting, and every dollar counts!”
“Nobody has filed sexual harassment suits against us…yet!” Goosh added. “It’s for SCIENCE! And to fight Terrorism! There is nothing wrong with that!”
Eric looks back at you, the camera. “He’s right, Donate now, and we’ll give you a free on site tour! You’ll be helping save the WORLD!.....And, sorry no, we’re not taking applications for employment, we already have a few hundred thousand applicants to sort through.. Thanks for watching, and don’t miss out on this opportunity to help further science.”
“SCIENCE!” Goosh shouted as he nudged Eric.
Eric sighs, before giving in, he puts on a huge fake smile and gives a thumbs up. “For SCIENCE!” he seconds with Goosh.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Ultimate Fighting
Note to self: Stop forgetting thumb drive at home.
Eric and Goosh stand opposite of each other in a steel cage ring, sweat drip off the two as they hungrily stare the other down. The crowd is cheering in the small arena, fists are pumping in the air, popcorn is being lost onto the ground, and beer is chugged down gullets. The lighting has been rigged so that only the center stage is bathed in an intense unnatural glow, outside of the ring. Only eyeballs flicker in the darkness, the reflection of the light before them illuminating of their retinas casting and eerie feel to the crowd, it was intoxicating.
Goosh is bare chested, his muscles toned from an intense 2 hour workout routine daily, protein shakes, cans of tuna fish, and water. He slides his right palm through his hair, as he licks his lips, and pops open his jaw to stretch it from side to side. He slaps his hands on his thighs, which are large and ready to spring like some predatory beast.
Eric stands coolly in his corner, wearing a black long sleeved shirt with a hoodie on the back, black jeans, and fingerless gloves his tall frame at 6’3” towers over Gooshs’ meager 5’11. He is lanky and entirely out of shape, it looked as if the strut down the aisle and into the ring had taken some out of him.
But everyone knew this would be a one sided fight anyways.
The referee steps into the middle as Eric and Goosh join him, both men had snarls on their faces, and were ready for a fight.
“You two know the rules, no gouging, no below the belts, and no hooking. Also, no doubles, only singles in this fight. Got it” The stripped commander asked. Both men nodded.
“LETS GET IT ON!” The ref shouted as he dropped a hand down.
“Wuss” Goosh started
Snorting, Eric shook the first volley and retorted ”Imbecile”
“Pussy” Goosh shot back, rocking from side to side as he stood in place
Eric rolled his eyes before speaking. “Peon”
Goosh hesitated for a second, his brows furrowed down in concentration. “Jerk” he replied.
“Pest” Eric shot out of his mouth, his fans cheering wildly.
“NERD!” Goosh angrily replied.
Eric coolly batted aside the baited attempt to take him out of his game. “Established.” He responded, much to the adoration of the crowd, he was gaining their favor, the word had double meaning it is attack on Goosh!
Goosh looked at the ref for a foul, but the man only shook his head at Goosh, it was a well played word and within the rules. Stammering, Goosh tried to reign in his anger. “ASSHOLE!” He tried.
“Scoundrel” Eric responded without a hesitation.
“Pirate?” Goosh questioned back at him. Then he realized his mistake and put both his hands up into the air before giving a long shouting and falling to his knees. “NOOOOOOO!” Goosh bellowed into the air as the crowd threw cups and other assorted items at him.
“You suck at Ultimate Word Fighting.” Eric smugly told his friend, as he lifted a single finger into the air, much to the adoration of his fans.
Eric and Goosh stand opposite of each other in a steel cage ring, sweat drip off the two as they hungrily stare the other down. The crowd is cheering in the small arena, fists are pumping in the air, popcorn is being lost onto the ground, and beer is chugged down gullets. The lighting has been rigged so that only the center stage is bathed in an intense unnatural glow, outside of the ring. Only eyeballs flicker in the darkness, the reflection of the light before them illuminating of their retinas casting and eerie feel to the crowd, it was intoxicating.
Goosh is bare chested, his muscles toned from an intense 2 hour workout routine daily, protein shakes, cans of tuna fish, and water. He slides his right palm through his hair, as he licks his lips, and pops open his jaw to stretch it from side to side. He slaps his hands on his thighs, which are large and ready to spring like some predatory beast.
Eric stands coolly in his corner, wearing a black long sleeved shirt with a hoodie on the back, black jeans, and fingerless gloves his tall frame at 6’3” towers over Gooshs’ meager 5’11. He is lanky and entirely out of shape, it looked as if the strut down the aisle and into the ring had taken some out of him.
But everyone knew this would be a one sided fight anyways.
The referee steps into the middle as Eric and Goosh join him, both men had snarls on their faces, and were ready for a fight.
“You two know the rules, no gouging, no below the belts, and no hooking. Also, no doubles, only singles in this fight. Got it” The stripped commander asked. Both men nodded.
“LETS GET IT ON!” The ref shouted as he dropped a hand down.
“Wuss” Goosh started
Snorting, Eric shook the first volley and retorted ”Imbecile”
“Pussy” Goosh shot back, rocking from side to side as he stood in place
Eric rolled his eyes before speaking. “Peon”
Goosh hesitated for a second, his brows furrowed down in concentration. “Jerk” he replied.
“Pest” Eric shot out of his mouth, his fans cheering wildly.
“NERD!” Goosh angrily replied.
Eric coolly batted aside the baited attempt to take him out of his game. “Established.” He responded, much to the adoration of the crowd, he was gaining their favor, the word had double meaning it is attack on Goosh!
Goosh looked at the ref for a foul, but the man only shook his head at Goosh, it was a well played word and within the rules. Stammering, Goosh tried to reign in his anger. “ASSHOLE!” He tried.
“Scoundrel” Eric responded without a hesitation.
“Pirate?” Goosh questioned back at him. Then he realized his mistake and put both his hands up into the air before giving a long shouting and falling to his knees. “NOOOOOOO!” Goosh bellowed into the air as the crowd threw cups and other assorted items at him.
“You suck at Ultimate Word Fighting.” Eric smugly told his friend, as he lifted a single finger into the air, much to the adoration of his fans.
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